Before Recovery: The First Time He Hit Me
For the purposes of easy reading and to protect his identity, I’ll call my ex boyfriend Aaron. The first time he hit me it surprised me more than it physically hurt. He was immediately consumed with guilt and shame afterward; he fell to his knees and sobbed harder than I’ve ever seen anyone cry.
I cried too, and told him it was all right. He promised it would never happen again. The next day I talked to my Sponsor about it and to some other trusted women in recovery. I knew it wasn’t right that he had laid his hands on me, but I thought that if I loved him hard enough and tried even harder to be the perfect girlfriend, it wouldn’t happen again. There was a part of me that believed it was my entire fault that he had hit me.
I got mixed guidance from the women I talked to. Some told me to leave him and never speak to him again. Others told me to not make any decisions yet and do some 12 Step writing on it. My most trusted advisor said that she had known couples that worked through it, and the abuser was able to heal and not be violent anymore.
I deeply cared and loved my boyfriend. I didn’t want to be like my mom, always jumping from one man to another whenever something went wrong. I wanted to be there for him and help him change and be better, like he had done for me. We were in 12 Step recovery together, though he was brand new and I had introduced him to it. I thought there was no way the abuse could continue; we were going to meetings together every day and he had a Sponsor as well.
But the abuse didn’t stop. It wasn’t every day or even every week, but it began to happen with increasing regularity every few weeks. He became consumed with jealousy, to the point that I couldn’t even look out of the window while we were driving together in the car.
I talked openly about what was happening with my friends in recovery as well as with my Sponsor. I wrote about it and prayed about it, and I stayed with him – trying to be as clear and loving as I possibly could.
But Aaron didn’t change, no matter how patient I was or what gifts I bought him. I hit many bottoms with this relationship, physically, mentally and emotionally. But I did finally choose my bottom, and I left the relationship.
It was one of the most painful decisions and realizations of my life, to finally begin accepting that I could not change him. I felt like I had failed, and if I had just done things differently from the very beginning he never would have started hitting me.
It has been six months since the end. I have spent hours on the phone with my Sponsor, and just as much time writing about it and sharing about it in meetings. Whenever I start to feel sad about what happened, I read over the 12 Steps and replace the word “alcohol” with my ex’s name.
I cannot ever control another person. All I can control is who I choose to spend time with, what thoughts I think and what actions I take. It has taken time, but I now know that I deserve to be treated with gentleness, trust and respect. And honestly, sometimes loving someone means leaving. Like it says in the Big Book of AA, patience and tolerance is our code. Sometimes we must be patient and tolerant of people from afar if their behavior is threatening our wellbeing and sobriety.
My trust in others is beginning to rebuild. But most of all, I am starting to trust myself again. Because of the program of recovery, I have come out of that relationship with greater clarity and a deeper understanding of others, myself, and the fact that sometimes loving means leaving.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Substance use significantly increases the risk of domestic violence perpetration by impairing impulse control and lowering the threshold for aggression. While substances do not cause domestic violence -- which is fundamentally about power and control -- they are a major contributing factor to the severity and frequency of violent episodes.
Not necessarily. Sobriety removes one major contributing factor, but domestic violence is rooted in beliefs about power and control that persist independently of substance use. Partners who get sober but do not address coercive control patterns may continue abusive behavior. Survivors must base safety decisions on sustained behavioral change over time, not sobriety alone.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and SAMHSA's National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) both provide referrals to specialized services. Many states have programs addressing the intersection of domestic violence and substance use. Trauma-focused addiction treatment is particularly important for survivors whose substance use is connected to coping with violence-related trauma.
Many survivors develop substance use disorders as a way of coping with PTSD, depression, shame, and the ongoing hypervigilance of living in or having survived an abusive environment. This self-medication pattern is clinically significant and requires trauma-focused addiction treatment -- not just substance use counseling in isolation.
Trauma-informed addiction treatment recognizes that most people in treatment have significant trauma histories connected to their substance use. It creates a safe, non-retraumatizing clinical environment, uses evidence-based trauma therapies, and treats trauma and addiction as interconnected rather than entirely separate clinical problems.
Yes. Trauma-focused dual diagnosis care is a core component of WhiteSands' clinical model. Comprehensive assessment of trauma history and evidence-based trauma therapies are integrated into individualized treatment plans.
A partner's entry into addiction treatment is reason for cautious hope, not automatic trust. Safety decisions should be based on sustained behavioral change over time, not sobriety milestones alone. A safety plan developed with a domestic violence advocate should remain in place throughout the partner's treatment process.
Most insurance plans, including PPOs and many HMOs, cover addiction treatment at WhiteSands. Coverage varies by plan, so calling our team directly at 877-855-3470 is the fastest way to verify your benefits and understand your out-of-pocket costs before treatment begins.
Disclosing your trauma history during intake allows the clinical team to plan a trauma-informed approach and ensure the environment supports rather than re-traumatizes. WhiteSands' clinical team creates safety around this disclosure. Your history is an important part of understanding what drove substance use and what treatment approach will be most effective.
Both conditions involve significant shame, denial, and minimization. Survivors may internalize responsibility for the violence, while perpetrators may use addiction as an explanation that excuses behavior. Effective treatment requires clear-eyed assessment of both dimensions and often requires different and specialized services for each.
If you or a loved one needs help with abuse and/or treatment, please call the WhiteSands Treatment at (877) 855-3470. Our addiction specialists can assess your recovery needs and help you get the addiction treatment that provides the best chance for your long-term recovery.
About the Author
Mark is a proud alumni member of WhiteSands Treatment. After living a life of chaos, destruction and constant let downs, Mark was able to make a complete turnaround that sparked a new way of life. He is serious about his recovery along with helping others. At WhiteSands Treatment, we offer support to you in your homes or when you are out living in your daily lives.
